Monday, September 14, 2009

Balog's guide to appropriate work wear

It has come to my attention that certain local retail shop girls are a bit confused by what is, and what is not, appropriate clothing to wear to work. You'll notice I'm confining this valuable life lesson to girls; partly this is just to piss off feminists, but it's mostly because if the average dude retail worker tried to pull this crap he'd be fired (and probably sued for sexual harassment) in about 15 seconds.

Let's start at the bottom and work up, shall we?


unless you are a stripper, those stilettos aren't a good idea. You're being paid to stand and walk for eight hours. If you choose to wear cool looking shoes that turn into medieval torture devices after more than 25 minutes of continuous standing, you lose any right to complain about your feet/calves/back hurting.


again, unless the job description actually calls for customers to leer at your bottom, this article of clothing should really cover it completely. A special note to the movie lovin' thrift store shopgirl who waited on me and my wife a few weeks back. You do realize boy shorts are underwear, right? Underwear implies you have something on over them, as they are not enough to properly cover you. Jus' sayin' is all...


Clothing is intended to cover your body. It cannot accomplish this noble task when it is transparent. As an addendum to this, wear a damn bra. Seriously. I know you're all "Yay girl power let's read Betty Friedan" and whatnot, and admittedly there ain't that much there to begin with but... It's difficult to have a pleasant chat about new films with you when your "shirt" is 1. the only thing keeping your nipples from joining the conversation & 2. moderately see through. Thin white shirt + very pale skin + nipples = awkward. Srsly.

Well folks, there you have it. A handy guide for our non-existent female retail worker readership. If you have any questions, please for the love of God don't ask me. I've already got eyestrain from staring intently at your face and nowhere else.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Things Balog does not understand

Bands that try to make screaming hardcore appropriate for pre-teen girls. Just stop, you're embarrassing us all.

People who play 4E. You make baby Jesus cry more than THAC0 ever did.

"Broke" college kids who A. have a $3000 Mac Boink & B. are getting funded by Mommy and Daddy. Try paying for everything yourself you whiny little bastards.

SxE (or is that sXe/) kiddies attacking people for smoking. Makes me want to carry a pack of unfiltered Camels just in case I run into a group of 'em.

People who give money to bums. You do realize he's been trying to fill that gas can for the last two weeks, right?

Young bums. Ok, so if you've spent a few decades screwing your life up I can understand the idea of being reduced to begging. But seeing a healthy early 20's kid begging just because he doesn't feel like working floors me. And by "floors me" I mean "putting me into a towering rage."

Why anyone likes Superman. Invincible except for one super rare substance, and he still gets his ass handed to him every comic/episode/movie.

Hipsters. I love irony too kids, but you've ventured past that into asshattery. Shave that stupid mustache off and get a job.

Craig's List Casual Encounters. The internet's glory hole, now with %97 more chance of bots!

Craig's List Missed Connections. Seriously, just go talk to "Cute girl on the 57" already you pansy.

Craig's List content restrictions. "Looking for bareback gang bang, I'll supply the meth" is a-ok, but I can't sell my shotgun?

Ebay auctions with over $100 in shipping on normal size/weight items. Seriously, does anyone fall for that?

People under the age of 75 who use AOL. That company needs to DIAF already.

Fantasy football. You do realize how homo-erotic this whole thing is, right Buford?

Chess notation. For whatever reason it just confuses the hell outta me.

Why YouTube hates me. Seriously, just let a brother watch his Horde Zepplin already jerkface.

Apparently, html as I can't get that link to embed.

List time!

I'll take "Random Music Lists" for $1000 Alex.

And the answer is: Pete Wentz, Fred Durst, all of the approximately 28 members of Attack Attack!, Blink 182, and anyone who uses "pop-" as a prefix when referring to their music.

What is people who need to be punched repeatedly in the face, Alex.