A prayer for the broken

And this, my friends, is what happens when you play the Secret Game. I promise the snark, sarcasm, and funny stuff will be back soon.

Of all the compliments I've ever received, "You're hands down the most honest person I've ever met" is one of my very favorite. Ask anyone who knows me well to describe me, and you'll most likely hear a lot of things about how unusually (and occasionally inappropriately) open I am about my life. I've told near strangers about everything from growing up in a weird cult to helping pull the charred corpses of little girls out of a car my brothers in the Corps had blown up with a Mk-19.

It wasn't that I was unaffected by these things. I just really and truly believe that honesty is always best, you can't heal from things you won't talk about, and that holding all the dark things in your heart serves only to stain and corrupt all the good that you might want to keep safe. So I have no secrets, or almost none.

As you might imagine, this leads to a lot of trouble when I try to play the Secret Game. The Secret Game is my name for the age old practice of asking someone you love "So tell me a secret about yourself" and replying with a secret of your own. It's a bonding thing, a way of expressing trust, and of course a lot of fun for the professionally curious. I have a dear friend who shares my love for this game, but it's always tough for me as I just don't have many secrets. And the ones I do have...

There are a lot of bad things in my past, and they still inspire a lot of emotions in me today. Sadness, anger, despair, hopelessness; even filtered by the nepenthe of time and healing, nothing can ever make the deaths of those little girls ok, or erase the suicidal misery I felt when I was at the worst of my depression. But I talk about them, and every time they lose a little of their power. But there was something I always held back...

Shame is a powerful emotion, but sadly the people who most need it rarely seem to feel it. For over 20 years it's been there for me, and unlike any of the other emotions the past brings up it was enough to stop me from being honest. And I hate that it keeps me from that principle, hate that it's so illogical I feel it, and I won't let it be that way anymore.

When I was 5, a family member molested me several times. It happened again about 4 years later, but by a stranger on an airplane. Before today I'd never told anyone that, and I always wondered... Did they hurt other kids after me? If I'd said something, would they have been stopped, and the others saved? I feel so much guilt, so much shame. And it's goddamned illogical, all of it. None of it was my fault.

In reality, I've gotten off quite easily. The abuse was incredibly minor (I believe inappropriate touching is the technical term), it came from both a man and a woman so if I have any issues they're at least equal opportunity, and it actually has resulted in some positive things in my life. Exceedingly protective attitude towards kids (and women for that matter), a great deal of empathy for strippers/hookers/sexy barristas etc (damn near %100 of the women in those trades were sexually abused as kids), and a strong belief in the moral necessity of resisting evil.

And, in what is perhaps an arrogant gesture, I hope that my talking about it now can help others. Given the incredibly limited readership of this blog it's pretty unlikely anyone will actually see this who needs it, but I feel like I need to at least make the effort. So if you've been hurt, and feel broken please just know... You aren't alone.

Welcome aboard

I read a few blogs, and apparently it's some type of requirement that I have a catchy theme complete with cool nickname for where I live. This will be a bit of a challenge for me, as I live in a fairly basic apartment. It seems odd to name it "Festung X" or "The Good Ship Y" when I'm paying rent and mocking a management who seems to use tenant events as a way to check up on who doesn't have a job and can come for bbq in the middle of a work day.

In any case, I suppose a bit of an intro is needed. Well, not really needed per se as I doubt anyone I'm not already friends with will bother reading this. Nonetheless the formalities must be observed, much like a dead eyed fast food employee wishing you Good Day shortly after expectorating in your "food."

I was raised mostly by wimmins, and I tend to think and communicate in a more feminine way than most guys. Nowhere is this more evident than with kids. I'm a total girl about them, and I find it personally offensive that people who ship their kids off to public schools every day act like I'm John Wayne freakin' Gacy because I'm a man who likes holding babies. I'm looking at you church women.

I'm 26, one of those dang fundy Christians who take it all serious like, and either a very conservative libertarian or a very libertarian conservative depending on the issue. If you aren't offended by at least one of my political beliefs you probably haven't talked to me about politics enough. I enjoy taunting feminists, hippies, and Emocrats. I like guns. A lot. I know more about guns than any other subject, and apparently more than most gun shop employees. Not a terribly grand feat given the generally low hiring standards, but still...

I was an infantry Marine who did a tour in Iraq then got separated for medical issues. No I do not want to talk to you about it. I don't care what you think about the war in Iraq, President Bush, Halliburton, or Black Water. No really, you can just go ahead and shut up now. Ask me some retarded question like "So you ever kill anyone over there?" and I can pretty much guarantee we aren't gonna be friends. If you have a "War is terrorism" bumper sticker or endorse the concept please don't talk to me as restraining my punching reflex gives me a charley horse.

I work as an apprentice building engineer in a high rise in Seattle. This basically means I'm learning to be an especially fancy pants kind of maintenance guy. I really like it, and would just like to take this opportunity to formally state that the views and commentary expressed here in no way reflects the views of my company.

I have a variety of hobbies, and not enough money to get too involved in any one. I'm learning to play bass, I run and play DnD and other pen and paper RPG's every chance I get, and read almost obsessively. I think fountain pens and knives are both very interesting and utilitarian, and enjoy learning about them as well as using them.

I'm married to an exceptionally loving and beautiful lady. I've been blessed in a lot of ways, but she's the best one. I attend The Downtown Church in Bellevue, and help to run sound.

In this blog I'll be rambling on about pretty much anything that catches my fancy. Feel free to comment; I'm one of those weird people who actually listens to people who disagree with me and I've even been known to reconsider my positions when presented with a logical objection. Crazy, right?